HONEYMOON CHEATERS

Till recently we used to hear about wife beaters – aggressive male chauvinists beating up their spouses. Have things turned full circle? Are women the new aggressors – chopping up their husbands and sealing them in blue cement drums? Or the latest shocker from Shillong where Sonam Kushwaha of Indore went for an outdoor honeymoon to Shillong and allegedly hacked to death her newly wed husband Raj Raghuvanshi, dumping his body in a gorge near Cherrapunji, Meghalaya.

There are enough of the gory details in the print, electronic and social media. I won’t add to them. My purpose is to dig deeper, not a grave; because this matter is much too grave for cheap puns.

Why are such things happening with increasing and alarming alacrity? It’s not just because the women are the alleged perpetrators. There’s an old journalistic dictum – Dog bites man is not news/ Man bites dog, that’s news.

Very recently I read of two cases of minors being raped; one was just 2½ years old and the other 6. What has aroused such animal instincts in us? It is an insult to the animal kingdom to call it so. Even a poisonous cobra will not bite unless stepped upon. A tiger will not hunt for prey until it is hungry.

To what then can we attribute such heinous, inhuman behaviour? We need to go back in time to the allegorical account of the disobedience of the first humans. There is a sentence that seldom draws much attention: “The man has become like one of us in knowing good from evil” (Gen 3:22). Science is not sure when or how Neanderthals evolved to become human. However, the Bible here tells us about the beginning of the divine and moral element in living creatures. Whether this was a single act or a gradual development, I am not competent to comment. For now suffice it to say that we have been imbued with spiritual and moral faculties, regardless of religion. This is a gift of God.

When we are separated, even temporarily, from God, we degenerate into inhuman/ un-divine ways of thinking and behaving. Deliberate acts of planning a cold blooded murder, genocide or wars on innocents, would indicate that the perpetrators are away from God. This is not a simplistic or moralistic stance. This is what is called hardness of the heart.

There can be various social or psychological circumstances that make us so. As my guru Fr Deenabandhu Ofm Cap once said to me, “Nothing happens in a moment”. Such acts, be they murder or suicide, are a gradual build up over time, in which social conditioning, and now media influence, play a part. 

Law makers erroneously believe that strict laws and capital punishment have a deterrent effect. Those who are inclined to such violence are immune to the effects of their actions. They care a damn. That is why we find that the perpetrators of such acts show no signs of remorse.

This could sound very depressing. Are parents, community and religious leaders helpless in such situations? Not really. There’s much that can be done, but not at the eleventh hour. Prevention is better than cure. It is therefore imperative that parents in particular inculcate the correct values and principles in their children.

Unfortunately, most parents today are in the rat race with the Joneses. They want their wonder kids to become IAS officers, doctors and engineers, whatever the cost. By hook or by crook. Being ambitious is not inherently wrong. But an inordinate desire to attain something is. Even educators, in their desire for excellent results, are falling in the same trap.

This inordinate ambition is tragically reflected in arranged marriages, where parents see it more as an opportunity for social or financial advancement; rather than the happiness of the persons concerned. This seems apparent in the present honeymoon murder case. In hindsight it is obvious that the girl Sonam did not want to marry the person chosen by her parents. Too many parents mistakenly believe that getting an errant/ wayward son or daughter married off will iron out all the wrinkles. It doesn’t happen that way.

It is therefore critical to have good levels of communication between parents and adult children. It isn’t so easy today when the younger generation thinks that it knows more than its “old fashioned” parents. There are many forms of verbal/ non-verbal communication through which parents can convey values and morals to their offspring. Example is the best teacher. We can never expect our children to follow the rules that we ourselves don’t abide by.

For many years I was earlier involved in youth formation and marriage preparation. Today I see a relatively shallow approach to youth ministry. We seem limited to conducting Bible quizzes, songs and dances. I doubt if they have the desired effect of Christian moral value formation. The spiritual element seems to be missing entirely.

The Catholic Church is probably the only religious organisation that has a mandatory marriage preparation course. Here again the emphasis seems to be more on propagating Natural Family Planning rather than anything else. Speaking for myself I can openly admit that the marriage preparation and guidance courses that I earlier conducted/ attended stood me in good stead in my own marriage.

I am also deeply concerned about some of the provisions in Canon Law that validate or annul a sacramental marriage. Some of them are quite reasonable, like being under age (Can 1083:1), perpetual impotence, not sterility (Can1084:1), an existing previous marriage bond (Can1085:1) abduction or force (Can1089), murder of previous spouse (Can 1090), Sonam please note even if you are not a Catholic, and prohibited degrees of consanguinity (Can 1091) or affinity (Can 1092).

Let us step into deeper waters regarding matrimonial consent. The following are incapable of marriage – those who lack sufficient use of reason (Can 1095:1), those who suffer from grave lack of discretionary judgement (Can 1095:2), and those who for psychological reasons are unable to assume the essential obligations of marriage (Can 1095:3). Going by these criteria, almost all of us, like Sonam, are unfit for marriage.

Now comes the real shocker. Matrimonial consent requires that the couple recognise the permanent nature of marriage and procreation through sexual co-operation (Can 1096). Get ready for what comes next.

“This ignorance is not presumed after puberty” (Can 1096:2). Bearing in mind that girls and boys today attain puberty as early as 10 or 12 years of age, can we by any stretch of the imagination say that such kids are aware of matrimonial consent and its obligations? Obviously the Catholic Church needs a thorough overhaul of Canon Law pertaining to marriage.

It is also not enough to lay down a law. We need to guide and prepare people for marriage. There should be remote and constant preparation, not a three-day crash course after the wedding invitations have been printed. This is usually a formality that couples and their parents go through to save face through a “church marriage”. All of us have our tasks cut out – parents, social reformers, youth animators and Canon lawyers. We don’t want to see more blue drums or deep gorges for honeymoon cheaters.

Also read “Animal In Stinks”